Perhaps one of the cruelest jokes God plays on his people is that we are denied the opportunity to speak at our own funerals. Instead, we get “eulogized” by someone, perhaps of our own choosing, if we were lucky enough to see death coming.

I can only imagine the fate of the unfortunate dead soul, floating over the funeral scene, or, as I would like to be, leaning against the wall in the corner of the church, all bedecked in the latest floor-length hooded garment, wielding my new scythe (do we even get those, or are those for “Mr. Angel of Death” alone?) Up comes my Uncle Benny to deliver my eulogy.

I would try and moan loud enough for all to hear, “No, no, please! Not Uncle Benny! He hardly knew me. Why not my old drinking buddy Floyd? Let him deliver the thing! He could really tell some tales!” But, alas, the tradition is well established, and Uncle Benny drones on for ten life-long minutes, talking about the two or three good things he can remember about me.

“He sure could dance back in the day. And no one made a bologna sandwich better than my nephew.”  A few people would cry, mostly those I owed money to. Still others would pretend to dab the tears from their eyes. Soft orchestral renditions of my favorite Grateful Dead songs would play, dirt would be tossed, everyone would head over to the hall for some beer and bologna sandwiches, and there it is. Done.

Friends, it doesn’t have to be this way any longer. That’s why I’m introducing the “i-Logy”, (or “my-Logy”, focus groups are still testing potential names.) Your own voice, your own words, delivering your own message at your own funeral. Why has this taken so long?!

With the modern developments in holographic imagery, we will even offer the option of your own image delivering your iLogy to the assembled crowd. Imagine being able to say what you think without having to endure the blowback at the reception afterwards. “Uncle Benny, I love you, but those ties never matched the shirts, and the bologna breath was a party-killer. And all of you who offered me endless reams of advice and talked about me at the family gatherings that I missed…” You get the picture.

In the age of the iPhone, the iMovie, the iThis and iThat, why not the iLogy? So, don’t let your funeral be the stale victim of ancient tradition. Deliver your iLogy today while everything is fresh in your still-living memory. All your final sentiments will be digitally archived until such time as you expire. Annual updates at no extra cost, and premium holographic delivery is strongly recommended.

Else your voice might just as well be coming from the specter leaning against the wall in the corner.