Unless you’re a football policy wonk who prefers a defensive matchup to a game featuring long pass completions and breakaway runs for daylight, Super Bowl “L” was a big Loser. With the Denver Broncos offense gaining fewer yards than any Super Bowl victor in recent memory, and the petulant Cam Newton showing up just long enough to pout his way out of his post-game press conference, the Big Game seemed to be the first in NFL history played with no quarterbacks.

The night, however, was a big success for pro-life football fans. One need look no further than NARAL’s own Twitter feed to see how a simple game of football, that modern descendent of the gladiator battles of old, had the old GRRs (Grannie’s for Reproductive Rights) typing away furiously, using all 140 characters available to express their outrage at the baby-friendly, anti-feminazi messages being projected into living rooms the world over.

It’s no news that many people tune into the annual gridiron gala just to watch the commercials. More than just a sporting championship, the Super Bowl is also a time when Madison Avenue competes to see which agency can put all its collective talent into one sixty-second spot. As per usual, NARAL thankfully has taken on the mantle of arbiter of all that is politically correct, scrutinizing each advertisement for the slightest slight, then lobbing their Twitter bombs against all that dare offend their safe space.

While they took aim at Audi, Snickers and Hyundai for sins against feminism in general, NARAL was most aghast after watching the Doritos ad, which featured a couple in a hospital room as they watch the ultrasound monitor, clearly revealing a very human-looking baby who seems more interested in Dad’s Doritos than smiling for the sonogram.

Here’s NARAL’s Dorito Tweet-bomb: 

But NARAL missed the biggest pro-life message of the night, almost as if they opted not to chase after their own fumble in the Red Zone. I refer to the NFL’s big stage production, “Super Bowl Babies Choir.” The joyful story, told in song with full-blown Broadway production value, of couples who, um, coupled immediately following the Super Bowl victory of their respective teams over the past fifty years, the three-minute extravaganza unabashedly drew a line of continuum directly from the moment of conception to the moment their growing children were performing for the 50^th Super Bowl audience. No flags, no whistles, no abortions, just happy, smiling, singing children glad to be alive, and alive because their parents’ teams won the Super Bowl, and one assumes, proceeded to stay far away from Planned Parenthood clinics during the off-season.

Here’s the most relevant passage from the libretto:

It all happened on the night that a Super Bowl was played, ooh
A day when history and our families were made
And now Super Bowl Fifty is here
So much reason for cheer tonight

We’re all Super Bowl Babies, oh yeah
We’re all Super Bowl Babies, oh yeah

When there were no more jalapeno-chili-bacon chicken wings
Mommy and dad, they cuddled. Canoodled. All night. Baby.
On that night our moms and dads were so filled with desire
[filled with desire]
Here we stand, a baby choir.

[We’re all] Babies,
It all happened on the night that a Super Bowl was played, ooh
That’s why we’re here singing this sweet serenade.

How in the world NARAL’s Censor-in-Chief missed that one remains a mystery. Could it be that the spot ran during a run to the GRR galley for another glass of Chardonnay? If I recall, the NFL reserved the coveted spot immediately following the half-time hoopla for themselves, when most eyes are still transfixed on the television in an effort to understand the pop-chaos exploding in front of them.

(I can’t even begin to decipher what Beyoncé was getting on about with her Black Panther-clad gestapo dancers backing non-stripping strippers all locked in vitriolic protest… That’s a topic for another post.)

I, for one, am heartened at the slightest leanings toward pro-life messaging in the public square. Perhaps the abortion worm has turned, and NARAL will Tweet themselves into the sunset, thus ending more than forty years of reckless slaughter of the innocent unborn. The NFL may have irreparably embarrassed itself by creating and subsequently mishandling the Deflategate “scandal”, but last night’s performance by the Super Bowl Babies could be the beginning of the healing, for this fan, at least.